Personality!

So everyone who knows me, knows that I have a certain obsessive personality.

I've had many obsession periods, where I just literally cannot do anything else, I don't want to listen to any other music, I don't want to look at anything else or talk about anything else.

They usually last a couple of weeks, and then I just go to the really liking stage, and then back to everything being fair game. 

But until then..

(daft punk is all that matters)

Troubled Mind

It's amazing, how after years of depression, years of seeing nothing but sadness in life, I can now see the beauty in little things. I can now take joy in things like sitting down and playing my 3DS, or drinking my usual tea before work. I can actually find joy in things that once made me feel empty.

But everything is not always so well. I still take everything harder, and everything is harder to get over. When something makes me upset, it still hurts me more than it should. Things still bring me down, but now I know how to deal with it, now I know how to not let myself get sucked into the depths of sadness. 

My step mom said something to me the other day, she said "Maybe you weren't depressed because you don't seem to be anymore"

I was a little bit taken a back, but that's when I realized, it didn't seem like it anymore, did it?

I was smiling, I was happy, I was moving on in my life and doing things that would have been impossible for me a year ago. But deep down the feelings where still there, they never left me, they just faded into the background. I learned to deal with what before I could not.  But there are still times when I curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out, there are times when I wake up and I think "whats the point", there are times when I fight the urge not to cut myself again. The difference is now I have the ability to see the good things in life, to see the colors in a world that to me was once black and white. 

I got this way because I made the choice to help myself, with a little help, or should I say a lot, from family and friends. There is nothing weak about admitting that you need help, you just have to be prepared to help yourself. Someone can take the blade out of your hand but only you can make yourself stop. The people around you may be keeping you alive, but in the end you have to make the decision to live. 

The road to recovering from depression is hard, it's very hard and it takes time, years even.

Three years ago my note book was filled with suicide notes and lyrics to depressing songs, today my note book is filled with ideas for cosplays, new years resolutions and cute little pictures. 

Today I am where I never thought I would be, in my own apartment, with my soul mate and a crazy little kitty. I have a job at a chocolate store and I have the most amazing coworkers. I only dread going to work if I'm sick or it's -30 outside.

3 years ago I didn't think I had a future, I thought I would be dead before I finished high school, but look how I proved myself wrong. 

For the first time ever I'm happy to be me, I am happy to be Keridwen Anna Rose Lewis. God I used to hate her, I used to loath her. Sometimes I still do, but now its a love/hate relationship, not a hate/hate one.

That's enough of me talking in the third person. 

If there is one thing I would want to say to someone going through the same thing as me, and I know there are lots of people, I'd say:

"I know that right now you feel like there is no point, but there is. You deserve to live, you deserve to be happy and you are strong. It's hard to be alive, it really is, living isn't easy but you can make the choice to live. Do what you love and screw all the people that bring you down. There is no shame in asking someone for help. I did, I asked my school councilor for help, and if it wasn't for her, I don't think I would be where I am now. Know that one day you will be out of the woods and you will look back and you will know

If I can survive that, I can survive anything"

(warning: overcoming depression does not make you superhuman, you still can't fly or jump over buildings)

Life in Pictures

~My Home~

Cat post

My cat is so adorable!

These are just some pictures I took for Christmas.

The realization.

 So I've realized something, as I've been looking at schools to apply to..

     If I said right now "I want to go for a degree in theater, I want to be in plays, I want to sing and dance on stage" most people would be like "What? but you never did anything like that in high school, you never expressed any interest"

And that's true, my high school had a huge drama department and put on really awesome plays, yet I never even attempted to participate.

     I remember when I was young and I used to sing and dance all the time, me and my sisters would put on little plays and film our own (really weird) shows. But as I got older I started feeling more anxious, and less self confident, to the point where I had absolutely 0% confidence in myself. That's when I was in high school, when I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me and all I wanted to do was shrink away and not let anyone see me. Try going after your dreams when you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. But all that time, when I was alone, I was a singer, I was a dancer, a performer, and I was self confident. But then the next day came and I was face to face with actual people and I went back into my own little bubble. Every second of my day was spent inside my head, I would day dream about how I wished my life was. So instead of sharing my dreams with others, I kept them in my head. 

I feel as though, through a big part of my life, I lived in a dream world. I was a zombie in real life, I hated real life, because the person I was wasn't who I wanted to be. That's around the time when I started writing stories about myself as a different person. I created a character, which I then used to escape from real life. Looking back, I've spent most of my life surviving , instead of living. 

My little bubble, torn by depression, anxiety, self hatred, and self harm. I abandoned everything I was in real life and took it all with me inside this little bubble, and once you're in, its so hard to get out. I've managed to pull some of who I am out, because I am so tired of living in my head. 

I know it sounds cliche, but I wish I could go back and tell myself everything I know now.
That it doesn't matter what people think of you, if you don't care about yourself. Although it doesn't matter now, because I can't go back and my past is set forever. There is something I can change though, something that hasn't been written, and that's my future. 

I don't have to continue to live inside the bubble, at all!  I can get rid of it, tear it down, let myself out. 

I do not have to live in fear of the world, in fear of taking chances and jumping off the deep end. 

P.S sorry for the novel.

~Keri