The realization.

 So I've realized something, as I've been looking at schools to apply to..

     If I said right now "I want to go for a degree in theater, I want to be in plays, I want to sing and dance on stage" most people would be like "What? but you never did anything like that in high school, you never expressed any interest"

And that's true, my high school had a huge drama department and put on really awesome plays, yet I never even attempted to participate.

     I remember when I was young and I used to sing and dance all the time, me and my sisters would put on little plays and film our own (really weird) shows. But as I got older I started feeling more anxious, and less self confident, to the point where I had absolutely 0% confidence in myself. That's when I was in high school, when I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me and all I wanted to do was shrink away and not let anyone see me. Try going after your dreams when you have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. But all that time, when I was alone, I was a singer, I was a dancer, a performer, and I was self confident. But then the next day came and I was face to face with actual people and I went back into my own little bubble. Every second of my day was spent inside my head, I would day dream about how I wished my life was. So instead of sharing my dreams with others, I kept them in my head. 

I feel as though, through a big part of my life, I lived in a dream world. I was a zombie in real life, I hated real life, because the person I was wasn't who I wanted to be. That's around the time when I started writing stories about myself as a different person. I created a character, which I then used to escape from real life. Looking back, I've spent most of my life surviving , instead of living. 

My little bubble, torn by depression, anxiety, self hatred, and self harm. I abandoned everything I was in real life and took it all with me inside this little bubble, and once you're in, its so hard to get out. I've managed to pull some of who I am out, because I am so tired of living in my head. 

I know it sounds cliche, but I wish I could go back and tell myself everything I know now.
That it doesn't matter what people think of you, if you don't care about yourself. Although it doesn't matter now, because I can't go back and my past is set forever. There is something I can change though, something that hasn't been written, and that's my future. 

I don't have to continue to live inside the bubble, at all!  I can get rid of it, tear it down, let myself out. 

I do not have to live in fear of the world, in fear of taking chances and jumping off the deep end. 

P.S sorry for the novel.

~Keri